How do you feel about being disappointed? How about disappointing others? Recently, I’ve been quite disappointed by some important people in my life and, in turn, they’ve been disappointed (and annoyed) with me. As I’ve been noticing my strong reaction to these situations, I realize how much of my life is focused on doing everything I can not to disappoint others, while at the same time protecting myself against being disappointed. Can you relate to this?
When we focus a lot of our attention on trying not to disappoint others or worrying that people will disappoint us, we set ourselves up for failure and pain. And, as I’ve seen recently, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to speak our truth, be ourselves, and live with a real sense of authenticity and peace.
What if we embraced disappointment instead of avoiding it? It’s inevitable that we will disappoint people, especially when we live our lives in an authentic way. Speaking up, going for the things that are important to us, and being true to ourselves are all things that at times won’t align with others and in some cases may even upset them. It is possible for us, however, to be mindful and aware of others, and still be true to ourselves – these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Asking for what we want, counting on others, and trusting people – all of which are essential for healthy, fulfilling, and real relationships – do make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people in our lives. So what! We end up getting more hurt and disappointed in the long run by withholding our desires and expectations. We might as well live out loud and be honest about how we feel, what we want, and what’s important to us.
As Dr. Suess so brilliantly said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Disappointment, as uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for me and many of us, is essential and important on our journey of growth, self discovery, and authenticity. Being okay with disappointing others allows us the freedom to be ourselves in a more real way. It also takes away the pressure and stress we often feel about always having to do, say, or be a certain way. Letting go of our fear of being disappointed by other people gives us the ability to take more risks and ask for what we truly want.
When we’re able to embrace disappointment, we create a sense of liberation and space that frees us up to be who we truly are and let go of our attachment and obsession with other people’s opinions. This is not easy, but is so powerful and can be transformational.
Here are a few things you can consider and do to expand your ability to embrace disappointment:
– Take inventory of your life and relationships. Take an honest look at some of the most important relationships and activities in your life. How many of your actions, thoughts, conversations, and more (or lack thereof) have to do with your avoidance of disappointing others or being disappointed?
– Be honest and take responsibility. As you notice areas, situations, and people in your life where a fear of disappointment is present, see if you can tell the truth about it in a vulnerable way to the people involved. You may say to a friend, “I really want to ask you for this favor, but I’m a little scared to do so because I’m worried you will say ‘no’ and then I’ll be disappointed,” (or something to that effect). Take responsibility for how you feel and remember that your issue with disappointment is all about you, not them.
– Practice saying “no.” This is a great practice, especially for those of us “people pleasers” who find ourselves saying “yes” to stuff we don’t really want to do. While there is a great amount of value in being someone who is willing to say “yes” in life, there is also a great deal of power in owning our “no” as well. See if you can practice saying “no” to people, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable. Be real and vulnerable about it – with yourself and others. And, see if you can expand your capacity to decline requests of things you don’t want to do and make peace with yourself about it.
As you delve into this, be kind with yourself. This is a big one for me and so many people I know and work with. We all want to be loved, valued, and appreciated in our lives. And, most of us have had painful experiences of disappointment in the past, which have impacted us in a deep way. However, if we can alter our relationship to disappointment – we can transform our lives and our relationships in a wonderful way!
Hey Mike,
Again this week, you have been channeling my life in your blog! Last week, I had this very important presentation, worked on it for several weeks and was feeling very positive about the whole thing. The first group of trainees were very responsive and all seemed to go over well with the group on what was expected of them to do. I was feeling very proud and excited of how well it went.
The second group was very combative to the point that I didn’t get to start my presentation until the middle of the allotted time of the training session. These people were rude, arrogant and did not want to hear anything I had to say, regardless of whether it affected them or not.
With their actions, I was taken aback because I was just presenting what was asked of me to do and was not even dreaming of coming up with such opposition. I felt like a complete failure, disappointed at the lack of respect that was given to me and disappointed in myself for letting it get so out of hand and not handling myself stronger.
I went home and cried for several hours, not really for what was said or done, but the disappointment I felt after all the hard work and innovation that was put into this project, the disappointment of having to even be in this position at my work and the disappointment of the negative actions other humans bestow on one another.
Thanks for your blog this week! I am so glad that you share what is going on with you and your thoughts.
With Gratitude,
Stephanie
Hi Mike,
I appreciate this opportunity to share what I have learned about disappointment in life and what I feel like it means verses what it really reflects.
Your words were,“Embracing disappointment instead of avoiding it,” I get that this is a way to help manage the strong feelings that can be crippling in our reactions and stifling in our self-expressions. Anything you are experiencing authentically processes more quickly than if you try to protect yourself from it and blunt the pain by some false means or rationalization.
I learned a way to understand and move through disappointment from a book by Kim Klaver called, “If My Product’s So Great, How Come I Can’t Sell It?” The following are my words as I understand the idea from Ms. Klaver.
When you walk into a room and someone calls your name, you look up. Or maybe you hear people across the room mentioning your child’s name or your business or your sport or anything that interests you. Don’t you look up? Why? Because what they mentioned is ON YOUR RADAR.
Now, when someone says, “no, not interested,” to me in a business situation, I get that what I’m telling them about is not even on their radar. If it was, there would be a different conversation. Answering skepticism or a price objection? Any legitimate objection can be faced, taken care of, answered. But, there is no comeback for when your idea or invitation is not even on a person’s radar. So, being disappointed isn’t even relevant here. What is important is to realize that you just had no idea what was on their radar, or not on their radar.
This idea helps me understand that, when someone disappoints me, we probably are not on the same page to begin with. Most likely, their views and thoughts I have only IMAGINED to be in agreement with mine and the rejection of an idea or even of me personally is just the evidence needed to show that we are not on the same page.
Whether it is my daughter behaving in a way I don’t care for, a business prospect not reacting the way I had hoped, or my husband not wanting to continue with our marriage, these are disappointments and I am affected by them. But, if I really look and tell myself the truth, their vision wasn’t mine to begin with. A tough thought to swallow but, it helps me deal with the disappointment. I take responsibility for that disappointment and can learn from it, moving forward.
On the positive side, I find it much easier to build my business if I recognize that I am speaking with someone who has been looking for my product. It is already on their radar. So, rather than try to convince a person that they SHOULD use my product or benefit from my company, I just look for people who are already looking for what we can offer. They are already open.
Hopefully this insight will translate into my personal relationships and I will someday find the emotional connection that will lead to a great relationship because values and attractions on my radar will match with that certain someone. But until then, I am clear that it isn’t so much about my disappointment as it is getting additional information to more accurately reflect what is really on another person’s radar. This helps.
Thanks for all you do,
Jodi
This article really hit home with me. I am having to deal with disappointing an elderly customer who is personally asking for money from me. I had taken a few days to think about this and part of me wanted to try putting money together for her. After some thought I do not want to jeopardize my job and being deceitful to my family. I also do not have the extra money to give to this person. Thanks for the great article.
Not only are your Appreciation in Action items so beneficial to me but now that I am reading your blog contributor’s thoughts I am finding your work even more valuable.
I feel somewhat bombarded lately by friends and acquaintances who are involved in multi-level marketing ventures. I find myself avoiding calls, not returning calls and being annoyed that they have changed the nature of our friendship. I am very disappointed in them for their sales approach and in myself for being such a wuss and not simply telling them I am not interested–what they are offering is ‘not on my radar screen’, as Jodi would say.
Thank you for your thought provoking work, Mike.
Dear Pat,
I only just read your response and appreciate your taking a moment to commment. Personally, that was my biggest fear in beginning a network marketing distribution business. I was afraid that people would think of me only in one way and forget how else they know me.
In the beginning, that’s how it was for me because I was so naively excited about my business that I babbled on about it and didn’t understand why EVERYONE didn’t see what I saw.
Then I began to doubt myself and have not worked full out on my business until I was able to understand coming from a place of contribution. Listening to where people are first, hearing their issues and finding out if they are open to a possible solution. Just telling people something is not effective unless you know they have a desire to know.
Thanks again for speaking,
Jodi
Hi! 🙂
I read this post/mail just now. But it came to me at very very right time. Just a few days ago I had a very big issue about trust and disappointment. And being disappointed and feeling as if I should do some things I don’t really feel like doing, because I felt as if I disappoint others, if I don’t do these things.
I feel more and more that the better way at these moments from now on will be that I will tell my truth. If I don’t want to do these things, I will say so and I will ask others to help me and do some things by themselves, not me doing things for others while not wanting to or not having time for that.
Thank you for sharing the wisdom 😀
Best wishes,
Kristi