Do you believe your thoughts? If you’re anything like me, you probably do – especially the ones you think and obsess about most (i.e. the negative, critical ones). However, what if our thoughts aren’t true? In many cases, they’re not – they’re just stories we’ve made up over time and continue to perpetuate with our thinking, speaking, and acting.
This past weekend, my wife Michelle and I went to a day-long workshop with teacher and author Byron Katie. The workshop blew us both away. Katie (as she goes by) created a simple, but profound inquiry process more than twenty years ago called “The Work,” which consists of four questions and a “turnaround.”
To utilize “The Work” you identify a specific negative thought (a complaint, a judgment of another person or situation, or something you criticize about yourself) and then ask these four questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
After you have investigated your statement with the four questions, you’re ready to turn around the concept you’re questioning. Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person, situation, or characteristic you’ve judged, actually have in common.
A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other and/or to the self. You then find a minimum of three genuine, specific examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.
For example, let’s say you have an issue with your friend Joe. Your statement might be, “My friend Joe is too critical of me.” If you turn this around, it could be: “My friend Joe is accepting of me,” or “I am too critical of Joe,” or “I am too critical in general.” Then you’d look for multiple examples of where each of these “turnarounds” are true in your life.
The idea with this process isn’t to make yourself wrong or to live in fantasy land, it is to consciously question “reality.” Most of what we deem to be “real” (especially when it causes us to suffer) is made up of negative ideas, beliefs, judgments, and thoughts that we’ve come up with as a defense or justification. By questioning our “truths,” we expand our thinking and begin to see new possibilities. In other words, by not believing everything we think, we take back the power we often give away to our mind.
As I sat in the workshop and listened to Katie work with people one-on-one about some very intense circumstances and situations (grief, abuse, mistrust, guilt, conflict, and more), I was amazed by the freedom they were able to experience by simply inquiring into their negative thoughts and questioning them with an open mind.
It made me realize how many of my own judgments, complaints, and self criticisms go unchallenged and how I let my mind simply take over and run the show in certain areas of my life (especially the most “stressful” ones).
Not everything we think is true, thank goodness! The more willing we are to challenge our own thoughts and beliefs, the more peace and freedom we can create and experience in our work, our relationships, and our lives.
How often do you believe what you think? Are you willing to question your thoughts? What do you think inquiry and doing “the work” could provide for you in your life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike:
Questioning every thought and action makes for a very sterile life and you lose all sense of adventure.
Questioning our every thought is the exact opposite of freedom, it constrains our imagination our ability to feel emotion and like I like to say “stick your hands in the dirt and remember what lifes about”
Take care,
KC Anderson
Again, another wonderful article, Mike! And I sooo needed to hear that right now. I have to start doing something (that, who knows? maybe it will have a big positive impact on my career) and as usual that crazy Gremlin is saying: “You can’t do that! It’s a long shot! You’re not cut up for this job!”.
Well, after reading your article and reviewing that negative thought I can only say this: “Gremlin, you’re full of crap! I can do this!” :)) I apologize for the language!
So thank you Mike! Thank you for sharing and for making me a better person every time I read your blog. 🙂
Great article and so true! I often struggle with what to do with my negative thoughts. Especially when it comes to being self-critcal. I will think, oh that person doesn’t like me or they think what I am saying is unintelligent. I think it really helps to stop and look and the thought. Often it is routed in my own fears about myself. I think reversing this and then thinking something positive is such a great practice. Thanks for sharing this process with us!
Jessica
Mike, you continue to inspire me and others with your authenticity. You are always willing to look deep within and share yourself no matter where you are at! I admire you for that.
Byron Katie is amazing. You seem to surround yourself with the “best of the best”. One day I will see you on Oprah. If you have 2 extra tickets, I would love to see you on her show!
Mie, you have the ability to impact the WORLD with your outstanding message of appreciation and gratitude.
I remember when I first heard about Byron Katie many years ago. First impression – a strong sick feeling in my gut. Since, have been exposed to many doing “The Work” have looked at videos of her working with people, and found myself stirred up, finding some value there, but that initial feeling remains. I was just reading quite a few blogs written by people who got more involved with her and it is horrifying stuff. Gut reaction confirmed – this woman is evil! Trust yourself, leave your mind alone, your own good sense will take care of you, your gut is always right!
Thank you for your comments and for reading this week’s post. I love he difference of perspective and opinion on this one – clearly it touched a nerve, resonated, actived, and engaged some of you in different ways. I believe that Byron Katie’s work is powerful – not the TRUTH as she says, but a great way to question, inquire, and check into what and how we think…and how it impacts our lives.
I came upon Byron Katie’s work a few years back and have read her book on the Work. Also, love to watch the youtube videos as she’s helping others.
Just yesterday I realized how this is true. I had a situation with my sister when she said to me how “I didn’t HAVE TO DO something”. I expressed to her that I don’t believe I HAVE to do anything. There IS ALWAYS A CHOICE involved.
By saying you have to do something, or someone made you do something, you remove the the responsibility of your own life and blame others for your situation or consequences of your choices.
Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my head around all what Katie has us examine, but it’s probably only because I’m not ready to face the reality or message in it.
Glad you enjoyed the workshop!
I am working on changing the way I interact with my friends when they don’t meet my expectations. There has been a lot of transition in my friendships in the last two years and I have not really seen many friends, they are busy raising families. I have been relying too heavily on one particular friend, then foolishly wrote an email saying I wanted to go our separate ways, because he had not met an expectation I had. Later, I regretted writing the email. But it is possibly too late. He is not responding to my attempts to rectify and amend my mistake. I know I need to change how I am reacting to events and instead need to be more aware of the present moment and allowing events to be as they are. I regret my mistake. I will certainly learn from it if it is too late to amend the friendship. I feel terrible about it, but I can only apologize and explain my side, then let him decide if he wants to resume the friendship. I am learning that I need to think before I type.
Hi Mike,
Thank you for -one step at a time!-
Helga Prangl