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From time to time I find myself “trying” to be some way I think I am supposed to be. Whether it is as a father, a friend, a son, a husband, a speaker, a citizen, or any other “title” I have for myself in life, I have struggled at times in my life and still do figuring out the best way to be. As I talk with and work with people, I see and hear this same phenomenon. Many of us are walking around in life being who we think we should be, instead of just being who we really are.
On our refrigerator we have a magnet that says, “Friendship is knowing everything about someone and liking them anyway.” What a great quote.
I think we are afraid of our darkness or worried that if we were truly ourselves, people would not like us. Ironically, most of us resonate with people who are more themselves than anything else. Authenticity is attractive and it is also visceral…you can feel it. In addition, being ourselves, while it may be scary for many of us, is ultimately a lot easier. We don’t have to spend so much time pretending to be someone we aren’t.
Each of us has many gifts, talents, and contributions to make to others and to the world. However, when we put all of our energy and attention on fitting in, being liked, and not messing up, we take away a lot of our natural power, creativity, and joy.
I was in Jamba Juice this weekend with my daughter Samantha. There were two beautiful young women in line in front of us. They were both very well dressed, with lots of make-up on, and they looked very nice. However, as I looked at them both I had an intuitive hit that they were very scared and unhappy. I could relate and had a lot of empathy. I then thought to myself, “how ironic that these two young women put all of that energy into making the outside look so nice when it seems that what is on the inside needs some of that love and attention.”
When we appreciate and celebrate who we are, we aren’t trying to impress others – only ourselves. As Oscar Wilde brilliantly said, “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”
Love,
Mike
My friend John has an expression for facing fear in a pro-active and powerful way…”Lean in.” I love this expression and metaphor. When he says this or I think about it, I actually see a mental image of myself physically leaning in, as if I’m in a wind tunnel leaning forward with all of my might so I won’t get blown over.
So often we run away, hide, or avoid our fears because they are scary, uncomfortable, embarrassing, and more. However, very little that means much to us in life shows up without any fear or resistance attached to it. What if we spent more time leaning into our fears and less energy running away from them? I think this would dramatically alter our lives.
One of the best things we can get good at in life is telling the truth about our fears and doubts. Everyone gets scared – it is part of being human. However, the issue with fear is often not the fear itself, but the resistance or denial of the fear that becomes a problem.
See if you can spend some time and energy today and this week leaning into your fears more. This means you admit them, own them, and take them head on. We all know how to transform our fear because we all have done it many times throughout our lives. Lean on others, talk to God, connect with that place within you that knows you can handle anything, and believe in yourself.
The more we lean in, the more we learn. When we are not afraid of our fears, we take back our power in a beautiful and courageous way. Will we still get scared? Of course we will. The point is not to get rid of our fear (which, by the way, will never happen until we die), the point is to create a relationship to our fear so that it does not stop us from living the life of our dreams.
Let’s all LEAN IN and trust that things will always work out…they always do!
Love,
Mike
I was recently thinking about how easily many of us in our culture get offended. We get offended by what people say, things on TV, opposing political opinions, noise, music, traffic, weather, our family, different view points, and so much more. Most of us are convinced that we are right and that people who don’t see it our way are wrong, or at least “misguided.”
While I often aspire to be as open minded, accepting, and easy-going as possible, the truth is that I can get as easily offended as anyone I know. Many of my opinions about life, others, and “the way things should be” are incredibly self-righteous. And, I know I am not alone in this. Can you relate?
However, what if we became really hard to offend. This is not to say that we abandon our values or opinions, it is more about choosing to allow other people and things be as they are. We take so many things personally that have nothing to do with us. The more we react to something, the less freedom and peace we have. When I get really “triggered” by someone or something, if I make it all about the other person or the thing I am focusing on, I usually miss the real gift, the lesson, and the point (i.e. the shadow or mirror that this negative thing is showing me about myself and life).
If you walked around for a day or a week and made a commitment not to get offended, do you think it would impact the quality of your life? I bet it would. What if we could just let things be, instead of always having to comment on everything, form an opinion about everyone we meet and all the things we see, and speak up all the time about what we think should be done.
A great reminder of this is the book THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, by don Miguel Ruiz. I love this book and his teaching. If you have not read it, I highly recommend it. Check out https://www.miguelruiz.com/. One of the four agreements is, “Don’t take anything personally.” What an important message for all of us to hear.
Have a great day and week…and, let’s see if we can become harder to offend!
Blessings,
Mike
P.S. My 17 month old daughter Samantha (pictured below) is a great teacher for me…she hardly ever gets offended by anyone or anything.
Sometimes people think that appreciation is about being “nice.” That is not the case. Appreciation, in my opinion, is about coming from a place of love and truth. In fact, giving people brutally honest feedback is one of the best ways we can appreciate them and let them know we love and care about them. This, however, is not always easy.
First of all, to give someone honest feedback you must have a foundation of respect, trust, and appreciation in your relationship with them. It is also important to ask their permission and make sure it is okay before you launch into your feedback.
With these things in place, our willingness to tell the truth to people is essential. Too often we wait until it is too late or we don’t say something because we are scared about how they might react. It is easy to say nothing or to “blow smoke.” However, it takes real courage to speak your truth to another. The key is your intention. If your intention is to make a difference for that person, “clear” something that might be in your way with them, or help them see something they may not be able to see – you are coming from a place that can empower and ultimately support that person. If your intention is to be superior, to show how wrong they are and how right you are, or some version of either of these two things – you are coming from your ego and your “truth” will most likely push you and this other person further apart.
I have recently been confronted with a number of situations like this in my life. In all honesty, I have handled some of them very poorly – either by not speaking up or doing so in a self-righteous and ineffective way. And, there have been a number of situations in which by me having the courage to speak up and say what was on my mind – something wonderful happened. Regardless of how I go about this, in the end it is almost always better for me to speak up than not. I learn more about myself, get closer to the other person, and grow in the process.
When someone speaks a “hard truth” to me, I know that have a tendency to push back and defend myself initially. Once that happens, I usually am able to hear their feedback and learn from it. Most importantly, I always appreciate their willingness to say something and feel loved and appreciated by their courage to do it.
Look at your relationships – especially the most important ones. Where are you not telling the truth, not giving feedback, or worried to say something honest? What would it take for you to be willing to tell them the truth? What are you afraid of? What could be possible in your relationship with them if you spoke up? My challenge to you is to go out and speak those truths this week. Remember that speaking your truth (with love) is a great gift for the people in your life and is one of the best ways you can appreciate them.
With Love and Truth,
Mike Robbins
Michelle, Samantha, and I attended the memorial service of Anna Luskin today, the twenty year old daughter of my friend Fred Luskin. Fred is an author I respect and admire, and he has become a good friend and a mentor of mine over the past few years. His daughter Anna and their fifteen year old son Danny were driving back to the Bay Area from San Luis Obispo two and half weeks ago and they got into a car accident that killed Anna and injured Danny. Thankfully, Danny is fine and looked as normal as he could look, given the circumstances, at today’s service. Anna, unfortunately, did not make it.
As Michelle and I have been reeling from this tragic news these past few weeks, we have read and heard some incredible stories about Anna. While we only met her once, she was the kind of young woman who was hard to forget – passionate, bright, beautiful, filled with energy and wonder, and an open hearted spirit that felt so good to see and be around. She was a writer – studying journalism at Cal Poly where she just finished her sophomore year. While in high school she got an internship at the Palo Alto Weekly and her boss there gave her an assignment after he found out that she had never stopped to watch a sunset. He told her to watch one and then write about it. She did and wrote in a powerful and vulnerable piece about her insights and struggles with this assignment. Her authenticity – both in this piece and in her life (from what we have heard about her and what we witnessed in our brief encounter with her a few years ago) – was beautiful.
At the memorial service today many of the people who got up and spoke from their hearts about Anna’s impact on them and her legacy, reminded us to watch more sunsets, to connect with one another, and to focus on love – as Anna did. It was very sad and also incredibly inspiring to be there today, along with several hundred other people.
I have been in a state of shock and denile about Anna’s death since we found out – feeling such pain, sadness, and grief for my dear friend Fred, his wife Jan, and their son Danny. How do you recover from something like this?!? I have no idea. Why does something like this happen? There are lots of sick, sad, angry, unhappy people in the world who are either waiting to die, or even wanting to die – why would God take such a young, vibrant, precious soul from us? I am not sure that there are any satisfying answers to this question or others like it. Life continues to be a mystery to me.
I trust, even in the midst of my fear, anger, sadness, and confusion, that there is a reason, that the universe is not random, and that as a new friend of mine said to me last week, “We are all going to the same place, some of us just get on the early train…that is what Anna did.” However, the tragic passing of this bright, passionate, loving soul is once again a powerful reminder to me (and anyone and everyone touched by her loss) to savor each moment, to let go of stupid grudges, and to let others know how much we love them.
In the midst of the sadness of death, there is real magic. I saw so many expressions of love, truth, beauty, kindness, appreciation, gratitude, and more today – even with all of the grief. Amazingly, life does go on and it will for the Luskin family. I am not sure how, but I know that it will. With the sudden loss of my dear friend and mentor Richard in December and now this shocking loss of a vibrant twenty year old woman, I am feeling humbled by the uncertainty of life and realness of death…and, at the same time I am deeply grateful for these powerful souls and all that they have taught me and so many others – in both life and death.
Let’s honor Anna by focusing on what and who we love, right now, and also by watching as many sunsets as we can.
In honor of Anna Rose Luskin and with blessings to her family…
Love,
Mike Robbins
P.S. To read some wonderful stuff about and by Anna, check out https://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/show_story.php?id=5343