Do you ever ask yourself the question, “Why is this happening to me?” Most of us do, especially when things aren’t going the way we want them to or we’re dealing with something that’s difficult or painful.
Why is This Happening FOR Me?
A number of years ago when I was going through a really hard time my friend Brian said, “If you change the word ‘to’ to the word ‘for’ in that question, it can change your life.”
When Brian said this, it really resonated with me. I never forgot it.
So, instead of asking ourselves, “Why is this happening TO me?” we can instead ask, “Why is this happening FOR me?”
There’s a world of difference in these two questions. The first one leads us down a path of victimhood, martyrdom, or feeling as though there’s something wrong with us. The second one takes us in a direction of deeper growth, awareness, and responsibility.
Victimhood vs. Responsibility
Sadly, it often seems easier and is definitely more encouraged by the world around us to choose “Door #1” (victimhood), than it is to choose “Door #2” (growth and responsibility).
Why is this? We live in a culture that celebrates and reinforces victimhood. And while there are clearly people in our world who are genuinely victimized, the majority of the time that you and I act, talk, and feel like “victims,” we’re not – it’s just a habitual way of thinking and being that we’re used to.
Most of us learned how to be victims at a very young age and had (and continue to have) lots of examples around us. In fact, victimhood is something we often used as a survival technique as children and adolescents. Although it doesn’t really feel good – feeling sorry for ourselves is actually a way to distance ourselves from deep and painful emotions, like sadness, hurt, loneliness, fear, anger, and despair. Because we don’t have the emotional capacity as kids or teens to fully experience, express, or embrace our emotions in a healing and liberating way, we turn to victimhood and it helps us survive.
In our lives as adults, however, playing the victim not only acts as a smokescreen (keeping us from taking responsibility and feeling our real emotions), it also causes a great deal of harm in relationships, at work, with our health, and much more.
Asking yourself why something is happening for you instead of to you doesn’t mean we have to like what’s happening, necessarily. It also isn’t about blaming ourselves. This is about consciously choosing to look for the gold, see the lesson, and take a growth mindset approach to the circumstances and situations that show up in our lives.
While feeling like a victim is normal and common for us as human beings, it never leads us to greater awareness, joy, or happiness. The more willing we are to take responsibility for what shows up in our lives and to look for what we can learn from all that we experience, the more likely we are to heal, change, and transform in the positive way that we truly want.
Expand Your Capacity for Growth and Learning
Here are a few things you can think about and do to let go of victimhood and expand your capacity for growth and learning:
1) Notice when and where you feel like a victim.
Pick a specific area of your life, or a specific situation or relationship, where you currently feel that it’s not fair, or it shouldn’t be this way, or you find yourself asking, why is this happening to me? While you may have more than one area or example of this in your life right now, it works best to focus on one area at a time. Notice what you think and say about this situation – to yourself and others. Most important, tap into how you’re truly feeling about it. Remember, victimhood is always a smokescreen – keeping us away from our authentic and vulnerable feelings. When we’re able to acknowledge and ultimately experience and express how we truly feel, things can start to shift.
2) Ask yourself the question, “Why is this happening FOR me?”
Related to this specific situation, asking yourself why it is happening for you is something that can put you in a different and healthier inquiry about what’s really going on. Again, you don’t have to like what’s happening, but you can appreciate it (which means recognize the value of it). What are you learning? What is it forcing you to deal with, let go of, heal, or confront in your life? Another good question to ask yourself along these same lines is, What good is here that I’m currently not seeing? The more willing you are to look deeply at and learn from this situation, and the less energy you put into being at the mercy of it, the more power you’ll have in dealing with it and growing in the process.
3) Talk to others authentically.
While we often commiserate with other people, it’s a better idea to share how we authentically feel (in a vulnerable way) and to engage in an inquiry with people we trust about why this situation may be happening for us. Others are often able to see and hear things we don’t. Leaning on the people in our life, talking to them in a real way, and asking for their support and feedback can help us move through the difficulty, find the gold, and deepen your learning – especially when we’re dealing with something challenging or painful. The less we share our issues with others looking for them to agree with our story of woe, and the more we share what we’re going through with a desire for support and empowerment; the more likely we are to heal, grow, and evolve.
Letting go of victimhood is not the easiest thing for us to do – most of us have years and years of experience. However, with compassion, consciousness, and a willingness to ask ourselves why things are happening for us (and not to us), we can liberate ourselves from victimhood in a beautiful and powerful way.
Where in your life do you feel like a victim? How can shifting your perspective make a difference? What can you learn from any of the current challenges you’re facing? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
This article was originally published in October2010 and updated for 2023.
Dacia Johnson says
Mike,
About a year ago, I was told I may not be able to have children. As a young woman, this was very impactful to me. Instead of being sorrowful and wondering why this was happening TO me, I understood that it was happening FOR a reason (I just didn’t know why). I believe that simple difference has changed what I could have been this year. I could have been a bitter, difficult supervisor. However, this year I have grown even more in my supervision of others and been encouraged by my own supervisor. You are right – life will be how approach it. If you’re always looking for the negative – you will find it. If you’re looking for something positive, well, you will find that instead.
Thank you,
Dacia Johnson
SF says
Mike:
When I saw you speak at East Bay Church of Religious Science recently, you said – victimhood and gratitude can not occupy the same space. Since then when I am feeling a victim I change my outlook by actively choosing gratitude.
thank you,
SF
Kelly says
Wow! This has to be one of your most powerful messages so far (at least for me). After reading this, I recognize in myself that I tend to hold on to this victim mentality and it holds me back, prevents me from forgiving when I feel wronged, etc.
Thank you so much for your insight!
Kelly
Mary Lou says
Mike:
I enjoyed your presentation at my Busines Women’s Conference in Tuscan a year or so ago. I enjoy your emails but this is the first one that really hit home as I am dealing with the loss of my husband to cancer recently; and of course, the question always comes back – why? I’m still working on all the questions and trying to stay positive and gratiful. Thank you, Mike, for your help.
Jessica says
Hi Mike,
This is a great lesson. I have started to realize lately that I tend to play the victim in some areas of my life. I have had some health problems over the past couple years, and it is very easy for me to say “this isn’t fair, I am so young!” or “why does everyone else around me seem to be so healthy?”. I have to remind myself that this suffering is happening for many good reasons. It has forced me to change a lot of bad habits in regards to eating and in other areas of my life. I have also had the realization that I want to help people who are also suffering like me to find a path to healing. Thus, I know now that I will be more effective as a nutritional counselor having been through the experience myself. Thanks again for your important message!
Jamie says
Mike,
Thank you so much for your article on victim mentality. I appreciate your compassion with this subject as well as your instruction in redirecting ourselves so that when we get into this habitual thought pattern we have a way through and out (at least until the next time. : ) )
In my work with weight management clients, I often find it very helpful to talk about what we CAN eat, what we CAN do to pre plan and what we CAN do to set ourselves up for success. It’s much more effective and productive and leads to much better compliance, and eventually better self-monitoring and integration.
Judy Colburn says
Hi Mike,
This one is resonating strongly for me. I have found myself in the position of having to sell my home (which of course is under water) and my income has come to a halt.
Although I have had a few seconds of asking “Why me”, I immediately turn that into “Why not me”. What I have done is put my faith and trust, myself, in God’s hands and seek His guidance.
I am working hard at not playing or being a victim to this situation. And as I read your post, I am wondering what my lesson from this is, what will I learn from this? Perhaps overcoming my fear of the unknown? I really don’t know right now so I really have to give this thought. It will be interesting to find my answers though.
God Bless.
https://www./ says
That’s really thinking out of the box. Thanks!
Pamela Picard says
Sometimes just the slightest shift in perspective can provide the greatest opportunities to learn and grow. In this case, it is exemplified by changing one small word. Love the thought. Thank you.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks everyone for the great, insightful, and authentic comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read this piece and comment on it. Glad it had an impact!
Bruce Tan says
Dear Mike,
I agree that being a victim is a giant obstacle to me when some form of problem occurs to me. It is like what you say in “focus on the good stuff” that we are primarily “wired” on the negative of situations. Victim binds us, Victor frees us. However, it takes a lot more effort to “flip” the focus from “TO” to “FOR”.
I also believe, it is a process of choice, when things happen do we choose to look at the bad or good? At the loss or the lesson? For me, when I lose, I choose not to lose the lesson…this will will give me ideas of what is “for” me, thus learning and growing.
Authenticity is also a relatively tall order because I believe we need to have a pretty healthy dose of self esteem to communicate with vulnerability becasue it is our primal nature to be self preserving and protecting. I think it is a difficult level (not impossible)for people to communicate at this level.
Thank you for your insights! I like the “flip”…
With Gratitude,
bruce
“Identify the reason, appreciate the person”
SW says
I read through this twice and all I can say is thank you for the words of wisdom. I am renting an apartment from someone who I just found out filed for bankruptcy and is in foreclosure (he didn’t tell me or any of his other tenants). To make matters worse, I am the only tenant in this particular building (he has many). I came home from work to no lights, heat, or electricity. I have a short term strategy for dealing with this (the utilities will be restored tomorrow) but the long-term strategy is now uppermost in my mind, especially with winter coming, a minuscule bank account, and rent season being over. This posting gave me some serious questions that I need to ask myself starting now. Thank you again.
Sylvie M says
Thank you Mike Robbins for this post. When anxiety grows and grows and I’m fed up with the mood disorder affecting me, I often make this shift from “why me” to “what for” ? I really think that I have the courage to face bipolarity with all the tools that I study this far and my purpose in life is to finally help others suffering from the same disease live better, and be recognized as “normal” people, even if it’s a mental disease that is hard to understand when you don’t live it. Without this “sensitivity” I wouldn’t have used so many creative tools and wouldn’t have read your book about gratitude or grow (a little) toward spirituality. So the difficulty coming in our way are guiding us toward becoming better. Thanks again, Mr Robbins.
Sylvie from France